wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
