don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
