good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
