Already got asked if we're dating
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
