Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
