It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
