Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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