cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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