i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
