you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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