I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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