My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
