Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize