Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
