Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
