textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
