I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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