So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
