apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize