i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
