the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
