That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
