I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
