I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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