I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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