Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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