Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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