I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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