Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
