please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
