I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
