Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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