I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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