Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
