i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
