I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
