Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize