Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
