During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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