I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
