cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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