You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
