i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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