Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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