I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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