Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
