This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
