her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
