if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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