I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
