Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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