I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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