I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
