break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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