I can text with my tongue
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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