This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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