i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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