I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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